you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
