Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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