i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
