when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
