I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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