You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
