So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
