I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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