I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
