She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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