I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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