turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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