just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
