I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize