just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
