pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize