He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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