It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
