I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
