He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I love having hate sex.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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