i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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