he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
