I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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