New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
