i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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