I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
