i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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