In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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