rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
