My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
