An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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