A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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