I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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