we have pet lesbian snakes
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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