My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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