i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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