: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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