And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
