see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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