i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
