Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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