There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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