I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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