but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I am available for nakedness
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
