Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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