I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
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