since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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