Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
