can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
