idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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