3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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