Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
