I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
