Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
