I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize