Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
