ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
